..oh, I love you...

and that's all

..HeRe I aM..

so let's start from the beginning..... or almost! :)
1 - BOYFRIEND: dumped the one i loved (but that cheated on me) for another one (loved him too, but not as i used to love the other one....and i cheated on this one really a lot) and then for another one (and i fucking love him, shit) who doesn't love me at all.... yeah from bad to worst.... x_x
2 - WORK: i've been fired, because i've been really bitchy....mhuahahah!!!! now i have another job, 5 minutes walking from my place... i don't really like it, but the guys are quite fine and i need money to move out...
3 - FAMILY: living alone really help me out in this.... but i'm looking forward to move to Australia as soon as possible..... yeah Down There i'm coming!!!!!!!
4 - PETS: i have a really lovely lovely dog, called Leila.... she's so sweet and she actually saved my life from depression last year!!!!
5 - ED: well the only thing that actually didn't change...... i'm still struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia (yeah i won that one too..... every 5 years of Ana you get Mia free =.='' ) but i'm always fat as hell........


i think this's everything.....well the important things.......


so today i was 115,5 lbs (and i wanted to die), i ate 350 cals till dinner time, than i ate 700 cals....... 
HELL YEAH I PUKED EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!
than hot shower, lax (lots of guttalax) and chamomille tea.....

Gosh

Oh, my....it's like FOREVER i'm not writing here..... wow....
ok let's say only one thing (and i'll promise tomorrow i'll be updating everything):
I HAVE NEVER LEFT MY QUEST ON THE SUPER SKINNY TARGET!!!!
only that anorexia and bulimia have took over me too much this past months....
now i'm back at my origins THANKS GOD!!!!!!
current weight - 112 lbs GOING DOWN!!!!!!!

.oO EaStErEaStErEaStEr Oo.

Oh my Goddess, lucky me Easter (like Xmas) comes only once a year....
I went back to my parent place, and as tradition wants, we did our Easter Breakfast, that really is more like a Easter Break-soul!! We started eating at 9am and finish at almost 5pm!!!!!!!!!!
COME ON THAT'S CRAZY!!!!!! ED or not ED a normal person CAN'T EAT that much!!!!!!! well i have to realize that in my family nobody is normal...Goddess Sake... Well at least I survived.... And i swear to my self I'M NOT GONNA EAT TILL XMAS!!!!!!!!!!

-_- MaNy ThInGs _-_

Ok , let's start from the beginning....


I HATE MY JOB!!
(or better , i hate what i'm doing now!!)


I'm a fashion stylist, i love to dress, hairdos' and makeup!!!!! I could be a really good store manager in case...


but I AM NOT a sale assistant, and i hate to be treated like shit everytime.... and not from people, but from my very close colleagues!!! everything i do is wrong, everything i say is stupid... everything, everytime....
I'm so sick of this, i can't handle it anymore.....


My doctor gave me Paroxetina last week..... now i'm even more intractable than before....
so i took some days off my job... told them i have my pressure too low to stand up... now the only thing i have to do is relax as much as i can do and wait for the doctors' home visit to arrive.... that could come from 10am to 12pm and from 5pm to 7pm...everyday, till saturday.....


so here i am, still wearing my pyjamas, waiting for midday so i can go out with my dog at the park....
a good book, a bench and the sun....yeah, i love this life!!!!


My bestfriend came monday to visit me....she lives in Bologna, so we cant see each other very much.... she just left...  i enjoyed this 3 days with her so much!!! we laughed and talked for hours!!! i love her deeply!!!


I just finished my 3 days fast.... even with my friend over, i could manage it really well!!!
from monday to yesterday i ate nothing, only drunk coffees, teas, some juice, a glass of wine and a caipiroska.... (yeah i know but with her everything should be take with booze!!)


But today i did so bad..... as soon as she left i ate COOKIES!!!!! damn damn damn!!!!!!!!!
i purged everything as soon as i finished swallowing down the last disgusting cookie!!!!
i hate me when i do something like this!!!!! i did so well, today was supposed to be a veggie day, i had everything ready for an healty lunch and a even healtier dinner.....
WHY AM I SO BAD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHY SOULD I BINGE EVERYTIME I FINISH A FAST?!?!?!?!?!?!? 
i hate this feeling, i hate it...... once was so easy to fast, and fast ans fast again...... now it seems impossible sometimes.... so hard... i always give up.... i'm never good for this... never never never....


another thing is that me and her thought about immigrate in another country... i have some relatives is AU so we choose that!!! we'd like to open an activity there, such as a shop or something....
i could teach Italian in some schools and her could teach dance in some gym classes.... we can do lots of things, and we're not scared about starting from the bottom.... 
the only problem in this "dream" is my boyfriend... he's a photographer, or better, he would like to be one.... don't take me wrong, he's really good at it, his works are spectacular... but here in Italy is so difficult to work in the Arts' Industries, and he's so afraid he will be left behind.... i really hope he will join me...

..BaDbAdBaD..

I did so BAD this week.... I started a brand new superdiet and I screwed it up the secon day... FuCk!!
I ate waaaaay tooo much!!!!! I'm lucky i haven't gained...


BUT i need to L-O-S-E!!!!!! not to be stable!!!!
i feel so gross...so fat....i can't smile anymore...


and i'm seriously thinking about cheating on my bf...
well, I LoVe HiM sOoOoOo MuCh It HuRtS!!!!!
but i feel so down lately...i really need to FEEL i still worth something....i need to be WaNtEd!!!!


FUCK!!

LaX tEa

sipping my lax tea i'm thinking about...


...the fact that i have to stop drinking, fuck!
yesterday i wasted away...i had a really restrict day...like i had about 200cals...burned out with exercises more than 500....than i went out and drunk too much vokda....
this morning i woke up bloated, nauseated, FATTER and with my period back!!!!
SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!